This ranks as one of the top 3 most frequently asked questions that I get. I would add in other variations such as “Do you have to meet alot of people to find the right person?”, “What is more important Quality or Quantity?” or “How many people do you need to meet a month or a year on average?”
The reality is that most people focus on the quality of the individual, and forget about quantity. But let’s face it. If you only meet two great people in a year, you aren’t exactly putting the odds in your favor.
A lot of negative things can come from too little quantity as well.
You might spend time with someone that you have no intention of making long term. Even though you might still be looking, you aren’t going to be looking as avidly as you would if you didn’t have a steady weekend date. Right? It’s true that we do get lulled into a sense of security when we have someone around, even if it isn’t the right someone. This takes you out of the dating game for weeks, months, years and will always make you more gun shy to start over. Why would you do that to yourself?
Worse yet, you may ‘settle’ for a relationship that isn’t quite right, figuring that it is your best shot since you haven’t met anyone else in a long time. This might seem like a good idea at first, but what about down the road? What happens when you eventually do meet someone else who knocks your socks off, but you are in a committed relationship with obligations? Or, what happens when you realize that ‘settling’ isn’t all it cracked up to be and you would rather be alone?
I know the answer, do you?
So what is the right quantity?
Take a deep breath. This will seem like a lot. You need to average meeting one new person a month. Minimum. That means you need to be meeting twelve date-worthy people a year.
A really good friend of mine was lamenting last week about the fact that she wasn’t in a relationship. She said that she had been meeting all of these wonderful men over the last three years, and none of them had worked out. She was really trying to drill down the reason. Was it her fault? Was she not picky enough? Was it fate? Was it timing?
So I said, let’s start at the beginning. In the last three years, HOW MANY FIRST DATES HAVE YOU HAD? She said twelve. I had to laugh. I do not qualify that as meeting A LOT of people. She wanted to justify it. She said she had talked to three or four times that many, but didn’t end up going out with them for one reason or another. I agree, that is part of the dating process. However, an average of four new dates a year is just not going to make it happen.
You need to have at least twelve. And those are actual dates face to face dates. So work your math backwards. If you need to talk/text/ email ten people to end up going out with one, how many people do you need to be talking to each month? Each week? What kind of activity does that mean for you to uncover that many prospects?
This is the defining line in how serious you are about meeting the right person. If you can’t commit to making the effort, well you have your answer. Some people are fine with that. They want to take a casual approach and see what happens, without really trying too hard. You have probably dated people like that!
But if you truly do want to make a connection, you need to be a lot more motivated. You are going to need to put together a plan to increase your exposure and your dates. Don’t worry, we will work out the details in another article!
Filed under: Finding Someone Tagged: | dating, marriage, online dating
