Money problems are the number one cause for divorce. Should you look for a fiscally compatible mate? How far do you go to find out? What happens when you fall in love with a someone who is swimming in debt? What happens when one person brings that debt into a marriage? Who owns it?
Because I have taught financial education in the past, people often bring this question up. I hear both single and married folks discussing this issue. Singles usually want to prescreen potential matches for financial stability. This is especially true for women over the age of thirty. Financial stability falls into the top three most sought after qualities. Married folks usually have a whole host of other issues around this that spring from a lack of focus in financial priorities.
Let’s focus first on the singles. Notice that I mentioned ‘financial stability’ above. I phrased this very carefully for a reason. Ideally, we would all love to meet the love of our life who just happens to be incredibly wealthy. However, if the love of our life is financially stable, well that is just fine. Those singles who try to pursue marrying for money shouldn’t be reading my blog. By now you should know that I focus on finding a connection, which should be the first priority.
So ,when should the question of finances come up? I don’t believe that you can ‘prescreen’ for finances, but I do think that you can look for signs of stability. This should be common sense. As a matchmaker, a few of the things I usually screened for were individuals who: did not have a current job, did not have a projectable income (regardless of the amount), or did not have purchases in line with their age. For example, if a twenty-five-year-old lives in a million dollar home, you should question that just as you would if a forty-year-old has never owned a home or vehicle. I do have to add here, that (some of you will hate me for this) you should avoid anyone who lives with their parents. Yes, there is always that one instance of someone who is doing it for all the right reasons, but for the most part it is either a lack of independence, or a result of a life change and instability. Both situations are bad for dating someone new.
When dating, it is VERY bad form to ask someone these questions:
- How much they make a year
- The amount of debt they have
- How much they have saved or invested (net worth)
I will be VERY unhappy with you if you do that. I would advise the other person to run away from you. This is the equivalent of asking a woman her age. It just isn’t good manners.
So when do you get into full disclosure? I am going to be a little graphic here, but you need to hear this. If you are having sex, then you can talk about money. If you are dating exclusively, then you can talk about money. Until then, you are just trying out each other’s company as you would try on clothes you are considering buying. It’s not until you take them home and take the tags off that you have a relationship.
Now I know that you want a follow up question here. You are probably asking all kinds of questions about how to bring it up, what to ask, when to dump that person, etc. There is no cut and dry formula for this. You have to be mindful of the other person’s feelings, and be respectful of their situation and answers. Even if this person is in the process of declaring bankruptcy, please be polite. Please don’t act like this is some sort of trauma you have been subjected to. Money problems are very emotional for people, so take care to tread lightly.
How well do you like this person? Is it someone you feel a huge emotional connection to? Does it feel like forever? If that is the case, and the money problems are there, then you are taking on those problems along with the person. If you do get married, this is equally your debt to pay and to deal with. You are either all in or all out. There is no mine or yours. There is only ‘ours’.
Look for my other upcoming blog topics on money and marriage. We have a lot more to talk about here!
Filed under: Finding Someone Tagged: | dating, finding someone, money, single
