Dollars and Dating

Dating is a series of small wins. You win the attention of someone, you win them in a conversation, you win them on the first date and other dates, and then you win the relationship. Think of it like baseball, you have to win each base before you score.

Ok, well maybe that analogy is offensive. You get the idea, though. I use the term ‘win’ because it implies positive actions must be used for a positive effect, right?

Conversely, if you use negative actions, it will result in a negative effect. This makes sense. So, why would someone think it is perfectly acceptable to use bad manners, and expect a win?

This actually happened recently. We will call him Johnny to protect the parties involved. It is an arranged meeting by a friend. He wins in email communication and she is intrigued. He is well-mannered to ask if he can call her. He wins her over in that conversation as well, and they make plans for a Saturday night date. Everyone is delighted.

However, Saturday morning she wakes up with flu-like symptoms. She tries to shake them, but she feels worse, and calls him in the afternoon to reschedule. This is where Johnny could truly shine. He could offer a new time and place, make jokes, and really impress her with his understanding and empathy.

But he doesn’t do that. He allows bad manners to take over. Johnny goes on the attack, and accuses her of being hung over from the night before, of using it as an excuse to back out of the date, and a whole host of unpleasant comments.

What would you do?

Why would Johnny think that this is acceptable behavior? Disappointment is a natural emotion, but lashing out is not at all appropriate in business or in dating. (I know my business associates are probably cutting and pasting that to use against me later!) But think about it. Can you ever recover the relationship after this? Definitely not.

So I am going to get on my soapbox here to use this as a learning lesson for all of the single people out there. Miss Manners was right, etiquette is important. How do you want to be viewed by someone new? Do you want them to see you as childish, rude or worse? Of course not. You want to win on the simple things that are within your control. You have no power over making a relationship happen, but you do have power over your own actions. So, let’s cover the basics of etiquette.

1. Return phone calls and emails promptly. Be accessible. It is rude to keep people waiting, and that applies to everything in life. Don’t be a game player.

2. Don’t email to death. When the conversation becomes more than a few sentences, ask to transition to phone calls or a meeting. Notice I said ask. This is polite. If you are a man reading this, it will get you brownie points.

3. Set up a mutually convenient place and time. Keep the first date something light like drinks or lunch. Don’t make a first date a huge commitment.

4. If you have to cancel, do it by phone and as early as possible. Be mindful that you are ruining someone else’s plans. If you receive a cancellation call- DON’T TAKE IT PERSONALLY. You haven’t even met yet, so don’t freak out.

5. Be on your best behavior. Remember this is a win you are going for. Use respect, listen to the other person, ask questions, share stories, and end on a high note.

6. Proceed to the next step in the same fashion.

It seems simple enough, right? It should be simple anyway. But there are too many people like Johnny out there. You may be one of them. The best thing to do, is to review your own behavior whenever you ‘lose’ at one of the dating steps. Evaluate your own behavior to determine how you can improve the next time.

Your goal, is to create winning behaviors that you can be proud of. When you do that, your confidence soars and more people are attracted to you. When that happens, it is a matter of time until you score a relationship. So don’t discount the little things. Be good, Johnny.

What is the rudest thing that has happened to you in dating?