Dollars and Dating

As published in the KC Free Press Thursday, July 1, 2010

If you didn’t read last week’s article about the blind date I arranged, you can read it here. In essence, I put on my matchmaking hat to introduce two of my good friends to each other. This is a hat I know well. For eleven years I wore it daily. Five years ago I hung up the matchmaking hat, but last week I pulled it out again.

The day after they met, I told each of them that they were the subject of my article in the KC Free Press. Of course, they scrambled to go back and read it. The response? SHE couldn’t believe that I wrote so many nice things about her. She didn’t see herself that way. To me, the description is dead on. She is attractive, vivacious, and wicked smart. Why didn’t she see it? Why did the truth hurt so good?

This goes back to a core issue we all have. Why do we see ourselves as so much less than what we are? Why do we minimize the value we give to the world? I am not talking about arrogance or confidence. We all know what that looks like. We don’t see the many positives in ourselves. Too often, we focus on our shortcomings. I always think it is interesting when organizations want to do that too. They train employees in areas where they are lacking. Why not enhance the areas that are performing? Why not focus on what is good?

Do that in your dating life. Instead of looking for what is wrong about someone, enjoy the experience. I definitely believe that we bring about what we think about. Take that list of things you want to avoid in the next relationship and tear it up. In its place, make a list of what you want.

Do the same exercise for yourself. What are some of the best qualities about you? What inspires you? What do you like to talk about or do for fun? What are some of your great, quirky traits? What do you dream of accomplishing?

These are the answers that you should have ready for a conversation with someone new. And these are the questions you should ask. If there is an initial spark, there will be plenty of time on future dates to learn about any negatives. There is no need to find those things out up front.

So how did this date turn out? Well, I got to witness it firsthand. I actually met them both for drinks. It was clear from the beginning that I was the third wheel. Both of them are outgoing personalities and found conversation easy whether the discussion was golf or gin. I left early to give them some time alone. And what is the outcome? I have been informed that they have a lunch date scheduled soon. This time, however, I was not invited.