The Fooly-Wed Game

Posted on October 19, 2011 by heatherdavisrichards

The Fooly-Wed Game (from Robert Brokamp of the Motley Fool)

Unlike The Newlywed Game, the Fooly-wed Game was not designed to cause violence between couples and was not an excuse to say “make whoopee” on TV. Rather, it’s a way to get couples to discuss money, possibly identify problem areas, and maybe have a little fun.
Here’s how to play: Read the question aloud, then each person should record her/his/its answers on her/his/its own sheet of paper. Don’t peek at each other’s answers. The fun (or contentious) part of this exercise is comparing your responses at the end.
1. What would your partner say is the annual income your family would need to be happy?
2. Place the following items in order of importance (1=top financial priority, 10=lowest financial priority):
o furniture
o retirement
o car
o clothes
o vacation
o really good/healthy food
o entertainment (dining out, movies, etc.)
o college
o gifts
o home
3. Discussions about money are: A) Easy and constructive; B) Occasionally difficult but eventually lead to a resolution; C) Usually combative and lead to arguments; D) Nonexistent.
4. How much would your bank account have to sink to before you panicked?
5. How much is too much to spend without consulting your partner?
6. Would you loan money to friends or family? Would you borrow money from friends or family?
7. What are the three best purchases you’ve made as a couple? The three worst?
8. You get $1,000 back as a tax refund. What would you do with it? What would your partner do with it?
9. You view money as: A) A necessary evil; B) The path to happiness; C) Nice to have, but I won’t sweat over it; D) Where’s my wallet?
10. Which of the two of you is more likely to:
o Know how much is in the checking account
o Buy an expensive gift
o Look for the best deal
o Know how the stock market fared
o Do the taxes
11. Do you think that when the creators of The Newlywed Game chose the phrase “make whoopee” as a euphemism for sex, they considered the fact that some people would think of the whoopee cushion (invented in 1930)?
12. When it comes to investing, your philosophy is: A) The stock market can be beaten by buying the most promising stocks, B) Don’t try to beat the stock market, buy index funds; C) Avoid the stock market, it’s too risky; D) Chicken makes the best stock.
13. If there’s one thing we could improve about the way we manage our finances, what would it be?
14. Which relative or friend would you consider to be a financial role model?
15. How much is reasonable to spend on a vacation?
Playing the Fooly-wed Game could lead to a range of outcomes, from “We were meant to be together!” to “How did we ever end up together?” If your result more like the latter, it might help to get professional financial advice to act as an objective referee. Either way, the process will ideally lead to constructive actions that head off potential future disaster.
So print out the questions, grab some pens and paper, prepare some pleasant beverages, sit down with your significant other, and play the Fooly-wed Game. You may learn a thing or two about that person who shares your bed and bank account. And when you’re done, you can yell, “Whoopee!” and whatever other sounds you associate with that word.

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Get Personal

Posted on September 21, 2011 by heatherdavisrichards

Getting Personal

Some people are really great at placing their personal lives under a microscope. Others try everything they can to find a distraction. My friend, Shelly, whom I mentioned last week, spends a lot of time examining all parts of her life. She likes to discuss past decisions and to evaluate how to do things differently in the future. We have spent countless hours dissecting every conversation, date, text and part of a single relationship.

On the other hand, I have another friend, who is tight-lipped about a breakup. Often, I won’t hear about one for days. Her comments usually sound like, “What do you want to know? It just didn’t work out.” Or sometimes she’ll say, “There is no use rehashing what has already happened.”

Is one way better than the other?

I think the answer is somewhere in the middle. I have counseled countless people on their dating lives and their finances. Success in either area really boils down to the same thing whenever it is a personal topic.

• Own it. The first step forward in any personal issue is to take full ownership of the current reality. What is that? Is it a dating life that is non-existent? Is it a crisis with money?
• Define it. The first thing to do is to sit down and get a firm understanding of what is going on now. If the crisis is money, that would mean gathering all of your mail and opening every envelope. It would mean making a list of all of the debts that are recurring and all of the debts outstanding to find out how severe the situation at hand is now. Is it dating? Look back through your calendar. How long has it been since you went out with someone new? Here is a harder question, how long has it been since you met someone new? Put some parameters around this. Demistify.
• Demistify it. What behaviors are getting you to this place? Are you spending money like a crazy person because you are depressed? I’ve been there. Are you avoiding meeting new people because you don’t feel good about yourself? Wait, I’ve been there too. The point is, we have all been THERE. Figure out what THERE is and own that too. You have to know the disease before you treat the symptoms properly.
• Attack it. What needs to happen? Make a plan of action. Do you need a budget to start tracking and managing expenses? Do you need a plan on how to meet new people? These are just two of many symptoms that you may have going on right now. Give yourself a break on all of the plans you had before that didn’t work out. So what? Don’t give up. Make a new plan to go forward.
• Measure it. The failure of most plans is the fact that they start strong and finish weak. Why? We lose motivation and drive. As part of your ‘attack plan’, come up with a way to measure what you are doing. Finances are a good example. I do a budget review every Sunday. I have come to look forward to reviewing the numbers and making adjustments. You can apply that to dating as well. Gauge your time invested in your plan and gauge how many people you meet.
• Review it. I love a Stephen Covey quote, “Inspect what you expect.” Take moments to check in with yourself and determine if what you are doing is getting you what you want. Are you saving money the way you want? Are you meeting people like you want? Again, don’t give up if your results aren’t there. Change course. Keep on keeping on and you will get there.

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You Don’t Have to Be Miss Universe

Posted on September 14, 2011 by heatherdavisrichards

You Don’t Have to Be Miss Universe

Last night, Leila Lopes, 25, from Angola was crowned Miss Universe. Although I did not watch the competition, I was struck by a news headline describing her win. A beautiful girl, Leila was described as ‘having her hair up in a knot instead of the usual cascading curls’. Really?

I don’t have to tell you about inner beauty, and what that means in dating. You already know all of that. You know you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover. At the same time your gut also tells you that you should put some effort into how you look when you meet new people.

What I do want to talk about is those of you who don’t date because you are stuck. Some of you are stuck with the notion that you cannot date until you have: (If you don’t see your excuse here, just fill in the blanks).

• More time
• Lost weight
• Gotten fit
• Your kids are grown

You don’t have to Miss Universe. Dating successfully is really about making yourself and your dreams a priority. If meeting someone is important to you, then it’s time to shed the excuses. You will never be thin enough, rich enough, fit enough, or have enough time. There will never be a magical moment when all of the stars align and you feel confident enough to take action. Waiting for that day is dooming yourself to being alone.

Eleanor Roosevelt said, “You can often change your circumstances by changing your attitude”. What if, right now, you started thinking of yourself as ENOUGH? What if you started realizing the beauty of who you are and what you have to offer? Confidence is sexy, but you can only become confident when you make an attempt. Eleanor also said, “Do one thing everyday that scares you.”

A few months ago we talked about a dating system. Did you know that was actually six months ago? What have you done differently in your dating life? Have you done one thing that scares you?

Here’s a thought. Why don’t you do one thing today? Just one. Don’t take on the world, just take on one task. Here’s an easy idea:

Take your picture. Get a friend or relative to take your picture. Not once. Have them take it 50 times while you smile and talk. I promise you will find a good one in 50. It’s harder to find a good one in one.

You won’t be Miss Universe, but you can find a version where you like your hair or your smile. You’ll find one that makes you feel like you. And at the end of the day, isn’t that what you want someone to fall in love with? Eleanor said it best. Do one thing. To me, she is the real Miss Universe.

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How is dating like football?

Posted on August 30, 2011 by heatherdavisrichards

Offense VS Defense

Perhaps it is the beginning of football season that makes me think in game terms. Certainly, dating can be viewed as a giant game. Some people take it seriously and others take it lightly. In football, there are really two areas of effort your offense and your defense. Strategists analyze the strength of a team based on these parts of the team. They look at the skill level of the players, experience, injuries and past performance. Ideally, a team will excel at both offense and defense. The objective of a good offense is to score points (go after what you want). While, the objective of a good defense is to keep the offense from scoring points (protect yourself).

There is no surprise that I look at dating the same way. You should be good at going after what you want while also protecting yourself. However, some people operate from an overly defensive position. Maybe you have done this or know someone who has. There is an assumption that everyone is out to do you harm, and a cynicism that there are good people out there.

The flip side of that is that some people operate from an offensive position: as in “I am going to go out and go after what I want and darn the consequences.” Obviously, neither extreme is a good one. Watching the Chiefs or any other football team get pounded by the opposition’s offense isn’t fun. It’s also not a great game if we are beating the opposition to a pulp. The real fun is watching a game of well matched competitors fight hard through the give and take of both. We are held breathless and spellbound by ‘close’ games. We love the underdog winning, and we love Hail Mary plays.

How can you apply this to your dating life?

Shelly is a friend of mine who is normally the offensive type of dater. She knows what she wants in a relationship and works to meet that type of person. Recently, she ended a one year relationship. There is such a temptation to (over) analyze the history of a relationship. She remarked to me, that maybe she didn’t ever want to get married again or look for another long term relationship. I cautioned her that we have to be careful jumping from the logic of A to B. For example, this relationship didn’t work out, therefore…. (Fill in the blanks). This is an overly defensive mentality to take on, and not a healthy place to be.

Instead, we should focus on giving ourselves permission to mourn the fact that something didn’t work out. It is ok to feel loss. It is ok to grieve. Then, we have to pick ourselves back up and start our lives again. We should take normal precautions for safety, pace and trust all the while embracing new people that enter our lives.

Let’s face it, the ebb and flow of finding someone new is just as invigorating as it is frustrating; but so is football!

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Dangers of Online Dating: Be Safe

Posted on August 16, 2011 by heatherdavisrichards

It’s interesting to see the number of online dating background check services springing up. Is it fear that motivates these efforts, or pure capitalism? To be sure, there are dangers to online dating. Anyone who plans to engage in communicating with a stranger online for whatever reason should take some standard security precautions. Many don’t. We have heard the horror stories on the nightly news. It is easy to see that common sense isn’t all that common.

Having said that, however, I am really an optimist. I believe that there are some really great people out there and that you shouldn’t let fear drive your efforts. I worry that the big push to do a background check on everyone dating online will actually drive away the good catches. Who hasn’t had some little blemish on their background? I’m not saying incarceration is a blemish, but the background check idea needs to be a screen for major offenders only.

In the meantime, you can take charge of your own safety. This applies to men and women. A few well planned strategies can make you feel much more comfortable meeting new people. And really, the point is that you are comfortable enough to have a great time with someone new.

Here are a few tips to prepare yourself for the world of online dating:

1. Set up a hotmail or gmail account. Don’t use your work email address, or one that you are committed to. Use a separate address that you could disable easily if you felt the need. Consider using a disposable cell phone for the same reason.
2. Be private. Don’t give out your address, employer name or anything that could aid a stalker.
3. Protect the children. Don’t use photos of your kids, or name them in your profile or conversations.
4. Meet in public for the first several times. Remember that Ted Bundy looked normal too. So make sure that you really feel comfortable with this person. Daytime meetings for coffee or lunch are your safest option.
5. Create a check in system. Ask a friend or family member to call you at a specific time during your meeting to make sure you are ok. IN addition, make sure this person knows where you are and who you are with. You should also plan to check in with him/ her at the end of the evening to let them know you are home.
6. Don’t send money. Do I really need to tell you this? Money, packages, and other odd requests should trigger an alarm in you.

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Married and Dating

Posted on July 5, 2011 by heatherdavisrichards

Married and Dating

The KC Star ran an article Sunday about one of many websites that promotes dating while married. This is not billed as an open door policy, but flagrant cheating. I must have been naïve not to think that sites like this existed. After all, where there is a will there is a way.
When I first opened my dating service, I used to allow people to join who were separated. I usually looked for them to have been separated for a substantial amount of time, as if that would make it more palatable to meet other singles. At the end of the day, however, it’s not something I can police. It became clear to me that it would be easy to pretend to be separated and seeking. I did the right thing, and eliminated that option to qualify for membership. Most other dating services do not. It’s too large of a revenue source. This lesson was learned the hard way.
I remember a client who came in for an enrollment meeting. He had a Colorado address, and claimed that he lived there half of the time and Kansas City half of the time. Since his business was located in Colorado, he used that address primarily he reasoned. It was a good story and he was believable. It helped his cause that he was well educated, attractive, and highly successful in his career. I was excited to think who I could match him with.
A few matches into the relationship, I got a call from a woman. She lived in Colorado. Her husband was out of town, and she had opened his mail to find a letter from us.
It was a short conversation. I was able to verify his information with her and determined it was the same person. She was hysterical to learn that he was dating. I didn’t feel good about it, and vowed not to allow that type of situation in my organization again. I didn’t want people to get hurt. I was in business to help.
I guess what continues to surprise me the most, is the rationalization behind this. There is almost a sense of entitlement in people who have this behavior. When I confronted my client, he was nonchalant about the situation, and angry with me for talking to his wife.
I looked up these sites after reading about them, and I found the same type of entitlement in the wording. “Life is short”, “Find your passion”, “Everybody cheats” are some of the philosophies.
I know I am on a soapbox here, but isn’t it more admirable to be upfront and honest? IF something is missing, shouldn’t you be able to discuss that with your partner? Having tough conversations is what binds us together and makes us closer. You have to get into real emotion to find substance.
So my question for you is, “Would you use these types of sites if you were unhappy?” Why or why not?

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Summer Lovin’

Posted on June 22, 2011 by heatherdavisrichards

Today is  the first day of summer. In Kansas City, it has felt like summer for quite a while. Today, ironically, is more mild with the promise of a few beautiful days. It’s the perfect time to take a step back and rethink your summer plans before it gets back to our full hotness.

Officially, summer is 90 days. However, summer vacation (when school is out) is not quite that long. Back to school for most of us signals the end of summer. So if we look at today June 21 through August 17 when school starts, we have roughly two months of  summer.

Why do I bring this up? We all know that time flies, but summer seems to go even faster. So let’s concentrate on making some great summer dates.

The trick to any great date is the scenery and tone (aside from the company). It’s not about lavishing a great deal of money, it’s about being thoughtful. Ideally, you should have some sort of distraction that will give you something to talk about and allow you to relax. So here are some ideas:

1. Outdoor Dining

Unless you are doing a lunch date and it is 100 degrees, this is the perfect date night. My husband and I love to go to the Plaza and jump from one patio to the next. We never commit to a full meal, we enjoy an appetizer and a drink. We love to wander and talk as we walk past shops. I love the relaxed feeling of not having a plan, and slowly letting the evening unfold. I highly recommend the patio at Brio. There is also a location at Zona Rosa or try Bravo at Town Center. Wherever you go, look for a place that won’t hurry you so that you can hang out and people watch.

2. Concerts

Live music is always a winner, as long as you talk about your tastes in music beforehand! We have so many great choices here. You can see an outdoor show at Capital Federal Park at Sandstone, or stay local and go the Crossroads, Crown Center or the Power and Light District.

3. River Market/ City Market

Did you know that over 140 vendors bring their goods to sell on the weekends? I love to make morning of it, and then end up on one of the patios for lunch.

4. The Zoo

No, I’m not suggesting you twist this into a nature channel special. But, walking around, eating ice cream and talking at animals can be a fun  way to spend some time. Think ‘When Harry Met Sally”. In one classic scene (also the movie poster), Harry and Sally discuss their lack of a love life while walking through a park. The scenery is beautiful, they are enjoying the sites, and the casual conversation leads to deeper talks. The Kansas City Zoo is always great and you can cool off at an IMAX movie afterwards. Another alternative is Deanna Rose Children’s Farmstead. Don’t let the name confuse you, it is redone and has some fun, silly things to do (fishing).

5. Festivals/ Outdoor Shows

This is the perfect time of year to be outside. You probably know the big options like Starlight. If you haven’t been there in a few years, it has been completely revamped. Go early so that you can wander between the food and drink options before the show. You don’t have to go all out for good entertainment, though. Try the Kansas City Shakespeare Festival or Shawnee’s Theatre in the Park. Do you know about Crown Center’s free Friday Night Flicks? What is more romantic than lounging on a blanket and watching a movie outdoors? Check out the Kansas City Star for weekend updates.

The key to getting the most out of your summer is just a little planning. Look for ways to branch out and try new things. Adventure always brings a spark to any date.

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10 Worst Things To Do On A First Date

Posted on June 7, 2011 by heatherdavisrichards

I am a vault. Literally. I store so many stories and secrets, that it should be worth something. Although I can’t take my information to the bank, I can share it with you. So here is my list of the top 10 worst things that I know have happened on a first date.

1. Talk about your ex. Whether they were great or awful, you are forcing a conversation of comparisons. You are no longer evaluating this person completely on their own merits. Plus, you relive memories and emotions that aren’t appropriate at this time. Do you really want that on a first date?
2. Talk about your last relationship and why you broke up. You might think you are just sharing as conversation. But, if you continue to see this person, there will be plenty of time for that conversation to happen naturally instead of downloading the abbreviated version over dinner.
3. Text/ talk on your phone (This does not make you seem popular or important, it makes you look rude.)
4. Ask insensitive questions. Let’s include here anything about income, money, sex, religion, etc.
5. Drink too much. Let’s face it, you will lose your “filter” and say too much, get too frisky, and have bad judgement. Getting drunk almost always kills a second date.
6. Bring a friend/ meet up with friends. Don’t torture someone by putting him or her under the scrutiny of people who love you.
7. Bring your kids. Really. People have done thus.
8. Talk incessantly about your kids/ pets/ comic books or things that make you look like you have no life.
9. Tell someone you have no life. Dont do thus even if you are joking. At least try to be interesting. People want to be around fun people.
10. Treat waiters or service people badly. You aren’t being cool or discerning, it’s just bad manners.

If you see yourself in one of these, please make a point to change course! And don’t forget to share your items for this list!

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Does A “Good Wife” Forgive?

Posted on May 18, 2011 by heatherdavisrichards

We see the scenario play out in almost every television series, as well as our own lives. The perfect couple, with a history of family values, is revealed to be less than perfect in reality. Either the husband or the wife has cheated on the other. The story unfolds to reveal that the ‘cheater’ wants redemption. He wants to recommit to the relationship, and asks for forgiveness.

If you are the victim, what do you do?

Many people have a zero tolerance on this issue. They believe that this behavior would decisively end the relationship for good. Is it really that easy? For those who don’t have a history, or who don’t have children together, it may be that easy. However, for the majority of the population, there are other people involved in the impact of this decision.

So let’s start there. If you are the victim of cheating, and you are not married with children, what is the point in a second chance? Wouldn’t it make more sense to cut ties and move on to get a fresh start? Especially if you are in a fairly new relationship, isn’t this a sign of what is to come?

What about when you have 25 years with someone? Arnold Schwarzenegger had that much time with Maria Shriver. Yet he also had a child with a staff member ten years ago, and hid that fact from his wife until after he left office. With that kind of deception, it’s no wonder she left him.

Isn’t that the real core issue here? How deep is the deceit?

According to Psychology Today, these are the three ways this plays out. Let’s take a look at each of these.

· The cheater continues to lie

· The cheater apologizes and wants quick forgiveness

· The cheater doles out answers and information a little at a time

· The cheater comes clean with all details

After the initial pain erodes, the doubts sink in. For most, these doubts take root in that one moment when their spouse made the decision to act on a flirtation. The fact that they moved forward on an impulse, is what makes trust so difficult to build again.

Another layer to consider, is what would have caused that impulse in the first place. What was missing from the relationship that triggered a response from your spouse in someone else? Studies show it is actually communication (get your mind out of the gutter!). Do we sometimes get so caught up in our daily to do list that we forget to sit down and give each other attention? Probably.

If you decide to stick it out and to make the relationship work, don’t expect quick fixes. You are basically going to be building your relationship from the ground up again. That takes time. So ask yourself

1. Is it worth it?

2. Does he/she think it’s worth it?

Your answer should be yes to both in order to have a shot at success.

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Do you trust your gut? Lessons from a Cosmo Quiz

Posted on May 11, 2011 by heatherdavisrichards

This month’s Cosmo, has a quiz on trusting your gut. The resulting categories classify you as either:

  1. A slave to your subconscious
  2. Awesome Instincts
  3. Hunch Hater

I couldn’t help but think how this is the most fundamental part of finding the love of your life. For more than fifteen years, I owned and operated a dating service. Surprisingly, the majority of our efforts were in the discussions after a date had occurred. We could find matches; it was the education and coaching part that took the most thought and strategy.

For the most part, people get in their own way of a great relationship.  Women really like to focus on lessons learned. They like to create ‘rules’ around failed relationships to guide them in future ones. For instance, they will latch onto the fact that the last boyfriend had children, and make a ‘rule’ that they will no longer date anyone with kids. Even if that was not the reason for the failed relationship, it becomes an issue going forward.

Men, do this too. They just don’t analyze it as much.  They tend to place the emphasis on the chemistry. No surprise there.

But what happens during these rationalizations is that we are trying to make logic and sense out of something that may have no logic or sense. Yes, sometimes relationships don’t work out for a solid reason. But often, they just don’t work out and there is no reason. I know this is an attempt to create order out of chaos, but the chaos is part of the process.

When we force ourselves to create false rules, what we are really doing is going against our natural gut instincts. We are saying that we don’t trust ourselves, and need to create these rules to protect our heart in the future. The reality is that we don’t need these things in order to make good choices. This is a crazy thought, but we don’t have to analyze things to the smallest detail in order to get on with our lives.  Our inner self makes its own meaning out of our experiences, and creates those ‘hunches’ for us.

Here is an example from Cosmo’s question one:

You go on a blind date with a guy who’s so not your type but wind up clicking with him. What do you do?

  • Hang out a few more times to see if those outings are as fun as the first one.
  • Think about it and decide you are too different
  • Count the days until you see him again

What would you do?

How would you classify yourself? Do you always take the safe route, always jump in, or trust your gut? I would challenge you to make a list of all of the ‘rules’ you have created for yourself. Which ones need to stay and which ones need to go? Let go of anything that isn’t an imperative. Open up your mind and the opportunities will follow.

Happy  Dating.

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